"In a lifetime of adventures, I've often felt blessed by fortune. But I believe that to a considerable extent luck is something you MAKE happen – by extending yourself into situations of risk but also by preparing yourself to succeed under these risky conditions.

Not that success has always been the outcome, of course. My life has been a long series of planned ascents and unplanned falls, of surprise successes and abysses narrowly avoided, of moments of high triumph and plunging disappointment – on mountains, on the high seas, in business, and in my personal life...

...I heard a phrase not too long ago that pretty well captures my philosophy of life: "If you aren't living on the edge, you're taking up too much space." It has nothing to do with thrill-seeking. It's about making the most of every moment, about stretching your own boundaries, about being willing to learn constantly, and putting yourself in situations where learning is possible – sometimes even critical to your survival. Being out on the edge, with everything at risk, is where you learn – and grow – the most."

JAMES WHITTAKER
(Swiped from gigiss's entry.)

These passages have really caught my attention. I am one who is laid back and would prefer to take things easy instead of risking and such. I am not one to be ambitious, unless I want to, and I am not a thrill-seeker (although... a 50 miler is pretty thrill-seekerish, isn't it?). Since I've heard this, I've come to realize that failure in life is just an important and crucial step in growing and developing. Without failure, we wouldn't know anything in this life. If there was no failure, there would be no opposition of evil and if there's no opposition, then we have reached Utopia. It makes it easier, though, to appreciate failure and it's impact on each of our lives.

Now, I don't mean to say that I love to fail in life and I can guarantee I don't think of failure like this every time I do fail. But when I do, I feel more inclined to risk things - not rashly, but within a reasonable limit. And it is the time that we grow the most. There is no quicker way to learn that a hot pot will burn you if you don't go up and touch the pot firsthand. Someone can tell you not to, but there is probably a shadow of unbelief in your mind because it hasn't happened to you.

Now, let's not get cocky here. We should respect our elders and heed advice from others. But as far as risking things is concerned, so long as we are not gambling our futures away and that we are staying within a reasonable limit, I'd commend any who went out for things that they risked and accomplished or, in some cases, did not accomplish.

And so I've been trying to take this approach in all areas of my life.

Sometimes I wonder, "Who the heck am I?". It has been something that has always weighed heavily on my mind and, only now is it just bugging the heck out of me. So here are some things that I know that other people have told me.

1.) I am always aware of everything going on around me. The slightest mishap, emotions, actions, facial expressions... believe it or not, I catch it. My error rate on that is about... .01% and that is only the case with a select few. My mom says that I am going to be the safest driver because of it.

2.) I am very sensitive, emotionally and physically. I latch onto specific things that others say about me, good or bad. That can be extremely helpful or extremely discouraging. Things can be magnified greatly or magnified smaller; it all depends on how I take it at the time.

3.) You will never catch me in a time where I am not thinking about something. A stray thought, random or completely relevant, is always running through my mind. As a warning, if it is something important, it is best, for your safety, to leave me alone in those times. I don't mean to lash back if I do. This goes along with number one sometimes.

4.) Few things scare me; most of them are things that I have no control over, despite my will to want to control them. Some of them are loneliness, separation, public humiliation, the knowledge that I can't control these, and leaving any of those for others that I love to deal with.

5.) I think like a lefty.

6.) According to multiple personality tests, I have the qualities of being more feminist than masculine, but I still display the stubbornness and aggressiveness or a male. Trust me, though; I'm definitely a guy, no questions asked.

Some random things about me...

1.) My older brother has influenced me more than any person I know, no questions asked.
2.) I am a complete hypocrite about this, but I don't consider someone to be weak if they cry, because I believe it is a psychological function necessary for your body to release tension at times; there is no indication that a person is weak if they are crying. That being said... (continue on to 3)
3.) ...I don't really cry in front of people. Like I said... I'm a hypocrite about this.
4.) I've got great upper body strength; not so great on endurance. Last time I went to the doctor, my resting heart rate was 45 BPM (apparently rumors of my heart rate had been floating around in Pediatrics through the nurses for a couple of days. That made me smile)
5.) I don't sleep. Period.
6.) I am always unusually cold.
7.) I am a strong writer, according to friends and family and teachers.
8.) I've got blonde hair and grey eyes.
9.) I've got many habits that indicate how I'm feeling, if you can identify them (hands, hair, face... y'know).
10.) My emotions and intentions are hidden from everyone. Not many people expect this from me; I don't know why.

Why the heck am I doing this? For me to be able to see exactly who I am. It's a start.

I feel like I just took some medicine that is supposed to make you drowsy. But I did not actually take something at all. What does this mean? *sigh* Actually, the greater question is "what the heck am I still doing up?"

This week was not the most successful week; nothing went the way I had expected or, in some cases, that I even wanted. I feel so weak at times, as if something inside of me is wearing thin. Of all the things I cannot afford to lose, it is my will. If I lost that at this point, I am afraid that I would be in a terrible situation where the things that mean the most to me would fall out of place; not because I would want it to be like that, but because it would be natural. But, hey. I've survived this long. Why, then, would one specific thing give away? I suppose the only way to counter this is to simply have a positive attitude.

Alright. I'm done with being negative for tonight.

Let's see... The week before this, I had gone a few days without shaving and that was pretty dangerous. Everything is back to normal, thank goodness. However, I really need to find a way to get my gel to stay inside my hair throughout the day, instead of having the heat in the car in the morning make it go nuts.

We had badminton practice on Saturday. Found out some good things. Tomorrow's a go for after school, and from here out, it's constant hopefully. We're also in the middle of chair testing and auditions for Freshman and Symphonic Band. I haven't heard anything about Varsity Jazz directly yet, but it is only a matter of time.

Speaking of jazz, this Saturday is our Jazz Bands' Jazz Dinner Dance, where the two school bands provide four total 30 minute sessions of Jazz while food is served along with dancing and auctions and such. We'll see how long I last up there. Two solid thirty minute blocks of playing is going to be interesting, to say the least.

I suppose that I should get to bed now. This is getting more and more difficult to type now...

Something I have realized, after talking to gigiss, is that I automatically assume the worst in every person that I know.

We were talking about trusting people. Something I have come to realize over the years is that I do not trust easily; it is something that grows over time and that one would have to prove them self to me in order for a little bit more trust to be extended to them. I used this example - think of a brand new semester. Every student starts out at a 100% A+ at the beginning of a new semester and everyone assumes that they are good students because they have A+'s. The way I work is that everyone starts out in my book at a 0.00% F and work towards earning something. As I said before, I assume that someone will betray me or that they will go back on what they promise, if I so choose to divulge anything to them.

That can be a bad characteristic to have, I know. It goes in with what my mother has always told me: "You're notice everything that happens around you and are always paying attention to even the simplest details; sometimes they are the ones that aren't important at the time, even." She claims that it's very mature of me to think that way. While I smile pleasantly at her saying that, part of me realizes that it can be very childish and irresponsible of me to assume things about others. Even though about 99% of my assumptions are true (after taking into account the "simplest details"), I know that I ought to be careful sometimes.

In my dealings at school, I don't trust more than a select few that have proven themselves to me, the ones that I can fall to should anything happen; the ones that I know would stand up with me when I needed help; the ones that appreciate, not necessarily understand, but appreciate me for who I am; the ones that I can honestly say I love. In total, I have three outside of my family and they are the ones that I would do the same for, in any circumstance.

Whether those three people are reading this now or are silently aware of their impacts on my life... thank you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Trust does not go easily from me; perhaps it is something I can work on in the future. But to those that have proven themselves and stuck with me through all of life's comings and goings... thank you.

Sometimes, it is so easy to give up. The urge to simply let the feeling of... nothing take over you is tempting at times.

Recently, I have had many instances where I have needed to get up in the morning to go to Seminary, but my body won't let me. I still want to get up, but something inside is keeping me down, and I know that it is not my mindset. I have always tried to have a sheer determination that is not easily shattered; I would say that it has been most tried this year, though. However, I feel stronger than I did at the beginning of the year. Older. Maybe not more mature... I think it is safe to say that I've changed significantly from the beginning of the year.

Change... It could be something completely drastic, necessary, positive. I know that people have seen me change and I hope they see a positive result, that I never ended up being someone that I would regret or that anyone would think less of.

I realize now how many people have influenced me, in ways that I had never noticed before. Simple things to the way I talk, when I look at people, humor, things like that. People say that it is obvious that my older brother and I are related. While I think it is ridiculous, I do have to take into the account that he and I just meshed as far as getting along went. My goal, since he has left, has been to establish this sort of connection with my younger brother. My sister and I seem to get along pretty well, so I don't need to home in nearly as much on her (I promise I won't slack off, Awwe. :)

Okay. I need to end this. Procrastination is not a cool thing.

Today is a new day, a new year, a new beginning, It is a new day to look to the future and wonder what is in store for each of us. It is a day to set goals - to better ourselves. It is a day to prepare for what is to come and to face the trials, growing more and more, each day. It is important to look ahead; however, a sense of optimism and a longing to achieve great thigns is necessary first. Therefore, let us look to the future, but live in the present.

Look to the future, but also remember the past. The past is what defines us. It is the record of each of our lives. Without it, there is nothing that separates each person from the next. The past is wonderful, terrible, exciting, thrilling, pathetic, horrible, ridiculous, and, sometimes, downright cruel. Let us be grateful for the past. It truly is one of our best allies in life's constant battles, for it gives us the courage and strength to always keep moving forward.

Remember the past, look to the future, but live in the present.

I think that I have never appreciated a break this year as much as I do now. Thanksgiving break... five days off. That may sound short and insignificant, but that is perfect for me right now. I need time - time to recuperate and to catch up to reality.

A particular subject has been weighing heavily on my mind recently. I think that this year has been one of the most important years that I've ever had in my life. It represents endings and beginnings. Endings such as older brothers leaving for missions. I think that left a change in me, one that is not easy to forget; I probably never will. But perhaps this is a good thing.

It is not the negative aspect of leaving a dear sibling that makes this difficult and rewarding at the same time. I think I used to lean on my brother for support and he was my inspiration. I wanted to be like him, or be respected by him. Now that he is gone, I have realized that it is high time for me to branch out and discover who I am and what I have to offer.

This may sound rather sudden, but it a subject I have been thinking about ever since he left. I have been trying to apply it to my every action each day.

[These are written on the back pages of my yearbook]

1. Suuuurrrrre.
2. *shoulders*
3. This is true.
4.) Psychic brotha.
5. I'm a level 99 arcane fire mage!
6. Crazy bad
7. I love you in a non-gay or sexual way.
8. Would you like to criticize me?
No, I was agreeing with you!
9. I don't give a rat's butt, nay $##!
10. Totally chill. Yeeeaahh.
11. That's fresh.
12. No, it is!
13. We got a whistler!
14. Nate, your ego isn't big enough!
15. You guys are my die-hards!
16. Fo sho.
17. Whatever! Okay! You have to put my name on that! Oh, wow.
18. You infertile swine...
19. What the friction!?
20. Son of a boron!
21. REBELLION!!
22. Everyone say aw, awwwww.
23. Buhahahahaha... my master plan is complete.
24. Don't taze me, bro, don't taze me!
25. A million-six.
26. Shameful! Shameful!!!
27. That's rhidonkulous.
28. Shame, shame, shame...
29. *hits hands on table*
30. I dunno...
31. "Shut up" is not a part of my vocabulary.
32. SHUT UP!!!
Yeah!
33. C'mon, campers!
34. C'mon, kitties!
35. It's been lovely.
36. Your arm's gonna fall off...
37. Do you play World of Warcraft?
38. What did I say???
39. Pfffffft.
40. *glare*
41. *shudder*
42. How do you work this high advanced piece of technology...?
43. I got in a knife fight on a bridge and this guy shanked me.
44. If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.
45. w00t.
46. BRAWL.
47. lol
48. Matheus is such a stud.
49. Aw, c-rap!
50. CHILD!
51. Sweeeeep.
52. Aw, snap!
53. 'Tis.
54. I've had more fun sleeping...
55. Noelle, don't take random shots!

Here is the essay that I wrote about in Honors English, revised.

( The Elixir of Death. )

Recently, a topic that has been weighing heavily upon my mind is "death" and what it truly is.

I have had the opportunity in Honors English to write an essay regarding an experience that we have had that has changed us and our perspective on life. I have had many of those experiences; the 50 miler, getting lost in the wilderness this past summer, frostbite on a snow excursion, skinning my legs clean up at scout camp, and so on. One of the specific requirements about this in-class essay was that we were to write what changed our perspective on a particular topic. With all those instances, they have changed me I believe, but not as much as one other. This specific one has changed me more than all of my others combined. Actually, they are two, but can be combined to form one. And that is the passing of my best friend's father and my brother leaving on a mission for two years.

I spent a lot of time and preparation about what I would say or how I would articulate what I wanted to say. A problem with doing this is that I have so many ideas right now... how would I be able to tell others exactly how I feel? And if I could, would I have enough time to do so? In essence, I really never will be able to tell others everything about how I feel... I'm constantly changing. However, I needed a basis to base all of ideas on.

After going to my English teacher and this friend to ensure that I am not stepping outside of my area to express my ideas, I got the okay to go ahead. Two days I prepared myself; all my thoughts came racing to me at once and I realized that I should back up and really think about how I should say it. I had an idea, but I needed a way to specifically emphasize everything. So instead of just being the topic "death", my ideas became the topic "How to overcome this feeling of death".

Last night, I stayed up 'til 11:30 talking to gigiss about a lot of things, one of them being how to say what I need to say in this essay. One of the things that we talked about was what I truly am afraid of. Am I really afraid of dying or others dying? No, I am not. In fact, as was mentioned, I'm sure I shall open it with open arms later on when I am older. No, what truly frightens me is two things: 1.) Being alone. If someone in my family were to die suddenly, I would still have another sibling to be there for me. Make no mistake, a loss of a particular person in my family cannot be replaced by another person. Luckily for me, I don't have to experience that right now. 2.) is leaving the ones I deeply love to be alone if I were to die. Either way you look at it, a grim fate of loneliness is inevitable.

After I composed my thoughts after this deep conversation last night, I went to write my essay. One of the things that I put in there was something like this:

What is death? Is it a physical loss? an emotion? both? To me, death is this: someone no longer being with you in the present. It doesn't specifically mean they are gone from this world - just that they are not with you. This sense of loneliness engulfs you and sometimes, drives you mad. In a way, I suppose that I have experienced a "death", if you will, in my family. My brother is gone for two years serving a mission for our church. The only difference is that I know that he will walk in the door in two years.

Much more was included in it, but my entire thesis statement was really centered around that paragraph. It ended up being six pages.

Now that I think about it, I don't think I'll ever be able to fully articulate my emotions to others, or if I was explaining it to others, I would never be able to include everything I feel at a specific moment. I can get pretty far, but as far as every single thought racing through my mind, I doubt that I'll ever be able to do that.

Okay. Time for sleep.

Today had been a good day, I believe.

In Teachers' Quorum, we've started something called Goal Books. We update them every Fast Sunday, but I'm using mine on a personal basis. I'm using it more as a journal to keep track of myself, but it had been a while since I update, so I felt guilty. One of those goals was to update my journal once every day. So far, I'm one for one.

Anyway, writing up goals and checking them off, whether I achieved them or not, helps so much. It helps me to home in specifically on what I need to focus on and how I can better do it. Also, I've been writing myself little notes to not forget this week and I am hoping that that gives me a morale booster for the entire week. I'm more optimistic now, though, than I usually am and I have so much make-up work to do. Tomorrow is the beginning of it all.

Well, I guess this is a pitiful entry, but I'm signing off today that I updated. I'd say more, but it's time to work on Geometry.